My Little Squirt

Well it took forever, but I finally got it done. This is the last one, our little caboose. I have never had a picture so hard to draw before in my life, but it was worth it. I think it turned out pretty good. I will get the final and absolute opinion today when my little ones arrive and Squirt sees her picture. Then and only then will I know if it is worthy of her Highness.

I'm not sure what to say about our little relationship. I know it started out rocky at best. I wasn't allowed to be there when she was born, I was told she wasn't mine, and then she was taken over an hour away from me at the most impressionable time of her life. She never had the chance to know me like her brothers and sister did. That whole coming home at the end of the day and having me scoop her up and get some well deserved tummy sugar. Or having me walk into her class room and pick her up from daycare. I have missed her first words, her first steps, almost all of her 'firsts'.

I suppose we could dwell on that and have what time we do spend together to become uncomfortable and misused, but we don't. We have decided to take each other and hold on tight for every second we have. I love her with every beat of my heart and I make sure she knows it. I will never forget the time she was just sitting outside, playing in the dirt and looked up at me with a big, beautiful smile. I asked her what she was smiling about and she jumped up, ran into my arms and said, " I was thinking about how much I love you, Daddy." then went right back to her dirt moving. I thought my heart was going to explode right out of my chest. My head had filled so much with pride that I thought I wouldn't get it through the door. Yes sir, she has me wrapped, and she knows it. Of course, there was also the time when we were playing and I stopped and said, "I love you, Squirt." to which she simply replied, "I love me too." Ah yes, the witty things she says.

I am so thankful for all 4 of my children. I can't say that I love one more than I love then others. They are all so dear to my heart. But the fact that me and the Little Squirt are so happy together after all of the barriers we had in our way just feels so special.

I love you Squirt. I am so proud to have you as my daughter. I hope that one day I can return the favor and make you as proud to have me as your father.

Hero or Zero

Today at the park I ran into a guy I know. I guess you could say we're firends. I know him to be a decent and caring person that will give you the shirt off of his back. I didn't get his permission to use his name in this post so we will call him 'Cheech'. That was his nickname when I first met him. I had ran askew of the law a while back and that's where we met. We worked in the laundry together and I learned very quickly why he was there. You see, Cheech loves to smoke the refer. Weed, Ganja, Maui Wowie, Pot, Marijuana, you know the stuff. He would talk about it all the time. To ANYBODY. He would talk openly about it to the guards, who would confess to him that they smoke it. I always thought that was a little bit weird but I digress.

He sat down and joined the rest of our little group. As we talked, Cheech explained to me that he was getting ready to head back to jail for the 7th time. He violated his probation (AGAIN) when he failed the court ordered drug test. He says that he will not go a day without his bud. In his own words, "I will not NOT smoke it". He believes that it his constitutional right to smoke it and 'To Hell' with anyone that says different. He believes that it should be legalized all around the world and sold in packs of ten in every drug and convenience store in America.

Now I know that Cheech is not the only person in the world that thinks this way. I know that this has been an on going argument for some time now. I am neither for nor against it. I choose not to use drugs. That is my choice and I stand by it, but who am I to pass judgement on someone that does? My only issue is, that right now, marijuana is an illegal substance. There is no getting around that. It's the law. And no matter how many times you get arrested for it, it's still the law.

Cheech says that every time he goes before a judge he tells them how he believes that marijuana should be legalized. He lets the court know that if the U.S. government would just legalize pot it would cure all of our countries ills. New jobs would be opened up and unemployment would go down. The crime rate would drop because of the fact that marijuana would be so accessible that no one would need to commit a crime to get it. Because our government would most definitely levy a tax on the sale of marijuana, money would just come pouring in and The United States would be the richest country in the world.

Maybe he's right, I don't know. But I don't think he is going to get his point across while standing in front of a county judge as a repeat offender. I don't think that some judge is going to look down from his or her bench and say, "You know what Mr. Cheech? You are right. To hell with the law. It should be legalized. WE were wrong all along and now you are free to go". So, my question is: After being arrested 7 times and spending most of your adult life behind bars, when do you stop being an activist and start being an idiot? Cheech is 54 years old, and out of those 54 years he has spent 32 of them either in jail or prison. He has two sons and both of them are in jail right now. One will get out NEXT August, the other is scheduled to start a 5 year prison term on the next bus run. Both of them were arrested for possession of a controlled substance. So, he's passed this on to his children.

When I tried to explain to him that maybe he is going about things the wrong way, he told me that he was in the same league as George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, and even Abraham Lincoln. He says that they were enemies of the state once too. They were considered to be traitors and criminals, just like him. As far as Cheech is concerned, he is a hero. He then took the time to explain to me that there are some very 'important' and 'famous' people that are proponents of the legalization of marijuana. I did some research and He was right. Here is a link to a list of the 15 Greatest Proponents of Marijuana Legalization. Check it out, you might be surprised who's on this list.

I wanted to talk with him a little more about the fact that the people he mentioned didn't go around getting arrested every few months just to get their point across, but Cheech pulled a 'smoke' from his pocket and fired it up. I decided it was time for me to go. Besides, I promised SC I would vacuum the house today and that seemed to be my cue. As I gathered my things and got ready to leave, I showed him this picture that I had actually done while we were locked up. He said that it was perfect and it fit him to a T. "You should frame it", he said. I shook his hand and wished him the best of luck and left.

The Blues

Have you ever been so down that you didn't think you could come back up? Just so sad that nothing can keep you smiling for very long? Have you ever felt like you could just walk off the face of the earth and no one would really notice?

I think it's safe to say that things have not been going my way lately and they don't seem like they are going to improve anytime soon. I just feel stuck. Like I am sunk down in the mud and there is no way to get out.

Nothing compares to earning your own money. Making your own way. Taking care of myself and those around me is a feeling that I miss dearly.

But, I know that nothing is truly hopeless and, eventually, things are going to get better.I know that I have a great friend and four beautiful children that love me and need me around so I will draw strength from that until my day in the sun comes back around. I know it's coming, I just think it needs to hurry up and get here.

Angel Of Fire

I have been working on this picture for about 2 weeks now. I needed it to be as close to perfect as I could make it. This drawing is very important to me because I drew this in honor of someone that means a great deal to me.

I have called her my hero, my one, my goddess, but she is, for sure, my angel. She is not like any other angel you will find. She will not coddle you and make feel warm and fuzzy because you just did something stupid. She won't sit around and tell you that everything is going to be alright when there is a good chance that it isn't. She won't turn the other cheek or back down from someone just because they need to feel tough. She won't try to make someone feel good about themselves just because they need and ego boost. She will not stand for any disrespect at any time. She definitely believes is doling out 'tough love'.

She will always be there when you need her. She will defend her family to the very end. She will stand in defiance to anyone/anything that tries to do them harm in ANY way. She has stood by me while the world caved in around me and never let go of my hand. She offered a calming voice that drowned out all of the screams that filled my head. She stood by me while I battled demon after demon and never let me forget that I had the strength to win. She stands by me today. She is still holding on to me. She is very much like this picture. She is an angel of fire. That fire can keep you warm or , if need be, she can set you ablaze.

She is beautiful, smart, strong, funny (although not as funny as she may think at times), brave, sexy, fragile, never weak, and in a word, perfect. She is my everything and the main source of balance I have. I have called her my rock in the past, but she is more than that. She has fought tooth and nail to keep the four people that matter most to me with in arms reach and has asked for nothing in return by my love, loyalty and respect. I gladly offer them to her. Freely and without disdain. She is MY knight in shinning armor. I treasure her.

We have been together for over 3 years and are not getting along very well right now because there is just so much stress wrapped around us almost all the time. But our love is holding us together. I drew this picture for her to let her know that my thoughts and feelings for her have not changed. They are still there and stronger than ever. I want her to know that I am truly sorry for any pain I have brought into her life. I never intended to hurt her. I never will hurt her again.

Some people might read this and think that it is too sappy. That these are just a bunch of words typed in to make people go 'awwww'. Or that this is just another stupid 'I love you' post. To those people I say you have never felt this woman's love. For if you had, you would surely sit back and nod your head as you read this and think to yourself, "He's right, she's all of that and more".

I hope you understand that the words I have here for you are words of love, respect and admiration. You are and will always be my hero, my lover, my partner, my best friend, my one, my angel. We DO have a relationship. I can't promise that the things around us will ever get better, but I will promise that I can do better to show you just how much you mean to me.

I Love You.

Memorial Cross

Gary drew this memorial cross to honor his mother, Clemaree.