Sylvester: The Crazy, Homocidal, Psycho Cat

I would like to take a moment to talk to you all about something I feel the world must know about. It's my girl friend's cat, Sylvester. He is the son of Satan himself. I know that this cat has been sent forth to bring on the end of the world, and if we don't do something about it now we are all going to die by his hand, or paw as the case may be.

You see it all started about 3 years ago when The Smirking Cat and I were leisurely walking through a large outdoor flea market. It was one of those days that seemed to be perfect. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, children were laughing, etc. You get the picture. We round a corner and there is an elderly woman with a bunch of different animals for sale. She had chickens and ducks, rabbits and goats, but what caught SC's eye was this little flea infested, mangy looking, matted up kitten in a cage wwwwaaaaayyyyyy in the back. Sensing the danger I opted to run for the hills but SC decided that we needed to "rescue" this creature. I tried to explain to her that there was something wrong with this cat and we should put it in a sack and bury it on holy ground, just to be safe. I was over ruled and got the '...if you don't shut up and help me I'm going to tear your arm off and beat you to death with it...' look, so... I helped.

But I promise you all that my only involvement was I opened the cage for SC. That's all I did. Just as soon as she took the evil spirit out of that cage the world changed. The sun stopped shining and it turned cold and started to ran. The birds quit singing and hid in their nests. The children all started crying and ran to hide under their beds. Lightning struck and the ground shook. You get the picture. A strange chill ran down my spine as this 'kitten' which was now snuggled tightly under SC's arm and being carried away stared at me with a look that would rival the look the little boy gave the camera at the end of the movie, 'The Omen'. You may be asking, "How much did SC pay for the kitten?" To that I say, Ha Ha Haaa!! You do not pay for one such as the archfiend. Nope, you STEAL him. Once again I pleaded with SC to put the monster down and lets just make a run for it but she refused, saying that she couldn't. With her eyes glassed over she said. "I must serve the master". The rest is history.

I told you that story so that you could fully understand what happened last night. You see, I am here alone because SC is off visiting with her mother, brother and nephew up north for a few days. There are no other witnesses around so now he felt safe enough to follow through with his evil plan. The attempt on my life was made in the bathroom. I was sitting on the toilet doing what a person does when they sit on the toilet and I had just settled down and gotten comfortable for what I thought was going to be a nice relaxing stay when, all of a sudden, from behind the shower curtain a very LARGE, very fuzzy, black, hell spawned creature came bursting out of the tub at me. His fangs were glistening with acid like saliva. His claws came out like razor sharp switchblades. I was nearly crushed from the weight of the fury goliath but was somehow able to keep the beast from attaching itself to my throat. When I pushed him away he landed in my lap, which caused me to lean backwards and bang my head on the shelf we have over the toilet and knock it over.

The noise and commotion from the shelf caused the afore mentioned demon spawn to go even more berserk and start to attack the bath mat. He managed to get himself tangled up in it and couldn't get out. With everything from bottles of fingernail polish and rubbing alcohol, to nail clippers and toilet paper falling on my head I try to help the rider of the Pale Horse out of the mat. This, of course, enrages him even more. He starts to make a sound that can only be described as the sound of all of the souls in hell screaming at once.

I was finally able to get the Prince of Darkness loose only to have him jump into my pants and try to remove them from my body with my legs still in them. With falling objects still trying to penetrate my skull I manage to get the unholy creature of Hell out of my pants and out of the bathroom. I slam the door shut and then realized two things. First: That Sylvester is most definitely trying to kill me. Second: That EVERY SINGLE ROLL of toilet paper had somehow managed to end up OUTSIDE of the bathroom.

Now, I know that When SC reads this post she will, in her most babiest of voices, undoubtedly say, "Wuts he sayin about u tylveter? Mommy luvs you. Yes she does." She's gone, completely under his spell. There's no hope for me now. I'm done for. I've tried to do away with the creature before and it only came back stronger. I know that if we were to shave the fur from behind his left ear we would find 666. Even now, as I type this, he's sitting right here on the desk looking at me. He is trying to lull me into a false sense of security by purring like a Mac truck and rubbing his face against mine, but it won't work. I know he can read this. And I know his fiendish plans. I am done for. RUN!!! Save yourselves!!!